Lose the Dead Weight

“Cut the bullsh-t out, I’m Edward with the scissors…”

Before I speak on anything else, I have to address the elephant in the room, which is essentially that I abandoned my blog for over half a year. My inactivity on all of Trust the Transformation’s platforms is usually followed by a returning post of me saying “I’m going to get back on my stuff” or explaining why I’ve been gone. Doing that this time around doesn’t seem good enough. Holding myself to the integrity and accountability that I share here as I rightfully should, here’s the deal…

As usual, I’ve been deeply examining my life, goals, dreams, and ultimately what’s next. After regaining clarity in my career path with my current profession following a turbulent job search last year, I needed to get a grip on what my bigger purpose is at this time. I started writing this post before my 25th birthday, and now that it has passed, I feel like there’s a switch that’s been flipped within me. While I enjoy what I do, I still believe that I have more to offer the world as far as making an impact and I’ve grown tired of playing it small. I questioned myself in so many areas that it no longer feels “safe” here. It feels like I’m a caged animal longing to be in the wild.

At the time I wrote the first draft of this entry, it was the autumn season of last year. I was taking a heavy inventory of everything going on in my world and witnessed so much around me shedding. Old thought patterns and ways of being. There was much I came to terms with concerning the changes I have committed to making to become a better me. It’s unclear to me the exact moment I began to acknowledge my growth over time, but a major thing that came with that was truly living in real life and distancing myself from the online world, which in turn, affected my blog. 

With the field of work that I do daily as a Content Strategist and even before this role, sometimes it feels as if the internet is my entire life, especially when I am posting on my platforms; be it here or on social media. Beyond that, being real with myself, there were times when I didn’t feel good about using social media in my free time. Whether it was dealing with the annoying algorithm changes showing me things I didn’t ask for, or internally comparing what I was dealing with in the present moment to the lives of others based on what they posted, I felt okay with not participating in what I didn’t feel called to. I still need to even do an audit of the pages I currently follow to align myself with the content I genuinely want to see.

An area of growth I am currently working on is separating myself from things I don’t care to have a part in while not being afraid to address them head-on appropriately. As I continue on this journey, it has given me an understanding that saying how I feel is okay and that I shouldn’t shy away from it just because it might be uncomfortable. Creating this platform and being transparent with my genuine supporters about what’s going on with me is bigger than me cowering in my shell without any warning. It isn’t fair to those who look forward to what I have to offer to wonder where I’ve run off to and disappeared.

I recognize that a consistent pattern that has reared its ugly head in my life is my innate ability to either viciously strike when I feel threatened or silently retreat when I’m facing conflict or a challenge of some sort, even within myself. There was a point in time when I wanted to prove and show to anybody who tested me that I was the toughest one with the smartest mouth, and it didn’t matter who you were.😂 But when I started to disassociate myself from that narrative, the only other solution I felt like trying was walking away, many times permanently. I rationalized it with an attitude that said “That person probably doesn’t care anyway” or “Because it will probably lead to something worse happening, let me just go about my business”.  This mindset has spilled over into various areas of my life that I’m sure have helped me in some instances, but I know for a fact in others it has not. 

I got comfortable in operating as if by not acknowledging something, it’ll magically disappear, and that is not true whatsoever. When you dedicate yourself to internally and eternally evolving, every weed within your heart has to be plucked up, whether you like it or not. No stone will go unturned and if you feel like that isn’t the case, you haven’t done enough growing yet. There are things from my past that present themselves to me daily in different forms and even different people that remind me that I still haven’t reached the clear as illusions would have me think.

The little girl inside of me who could always sense how unique she was from everyone else in the room was afraid to speak my unfiltered truth on MY platform. I wanted to keep my messages inoffensive and agreeable as I’ve learned what is acceptable behavior in everyday life to “play the game” to get ahead. But on something I chose to create? That didn’t sit well with me, so I decided to focus on other areas of my life instead of speaking my mind in a way that could be misinterpreted. One thing I adored about me growing up was my fearlessness towards anything and anyone. I said what I had to say and I stood on that ten toes down unapologetically. However, at some point, there was this shift where I started to see where it cost me opportunities, relationships, and possibly more, and I began to think there was something wrong with me.

How could a girl with a love and passion for people and living out loud in every way possible be brought to a place where she feels alone in crowded rooms and unable to be her authentic self? 

Feeling misunderstood is one of the most difficult things to experience, especially as an individual who may not always agree with everything but I always seek to understand. The level of vulnerability it takes to put your heart and all into what you do and who you are while sharing it with the world isn’t easy. And it’s even tougher when you feel like the only way it will be well-received is if you position it a certain way. All it reminded me of was the different ways I learned to show up in this world to be digestible for others, meanwhile, I was choking on the inside. 

I love telling my story on this platform because I believe that God has chosen me as a vessel to speak to the people who are just like me to let you know you are not alone.

The DREAMERS, the CREATORS, the TRAILBLAZERS, the ECCENTRIC, the WILD CARDS, the ODDBALLS, the VISIONARIES. The ones that defy every title that was ever attempted to be placed on you because you can never be put in a box, no matter how some may try to.

It’s never been about me being a know-it-all or master of some sort in a particular area and it never will be. I’m just a young woman who speaks from the heart and delivers messages that can only come from God. I take no credit for anything because I want my gifts to be used any and everywhere that I go.

Connecting that thought back to my younger days and most definitely even now, I don’t aim to use my words to intentionally harm others or sow discord, with an emphasis on those I care for deeply. When speaking from a place of being fully expressed, I can admit I don’t always know how to make it not sound like I’m stepping on toes regarding certain topics but my intention is always in the right place.

Over the past eight months of not posting here, I’ve been reminded in subtle ways that my words do hold value and to not silence myself when I’ve been guided to speak. There is a greater purpose at stake and a divine assignment that has been placed on my life that I have to fulfill. For those who can sense my heart, please know it’s always love.

Don’t try to hold on to what has already served its purpose. There’s so much more waiting for you on the other side. You HAVE to slay the old you if you want something new.

This destiny though, ain’t new to me; it’s true to me.

P.S. For the real ones that read to the end, check out the first-ever interview that I had earlier last month with BoldJourney Magazine here! I am so grateful that this platform has granted me such an opportunity and it’s only up from here!