Rerouted.

“Send me, I will go.”

Isaiah 6:8 – Also, I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Who shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

A little less than three years ago, as a 23-year-old, I brainstormed this exact title and blog post, but it sat in my drafts folder collecting dust. Inspired by the determination of walking down a new direction in my life, I wanted to express how sometimes unexpected shifts are intended to course-correct you on the journey to fulfilling your destiny. It amazes me how I could read the ideas of my past self, and they still resonate years later.

Last year, during times I would sit still by myself, I wondered what my next steps were for my life on a grander scale. What had now become important to me as I started to submerge myself into adulthood on a deeper level? 

Upon revisiting this piece for the first time since then, I was months away from turning 26, and time has only continued moving forward. After my birthday passed in April, it finally sank in that having big goals and fantastical dreams isn’t enough anymore. While they can fuel my passion and desire to pursue specific routes I have committed myself to, it dawned on me that I have to uproot how I look at all of my ambitions. 

My love for writing sometimes felt like a gift and a curse because I could create a new universe to fantasize about living in without taking the necessary, consistent action to get there. When I wasn’t journaling, working on a project, or doing other tasks that consumed my focus, my mind showed signs of being overwhelmed. 

I had to face the reality of my life’s circumstances, from fighting bouts of fear, negativity, anger, hurt, disappointment, grief, insecurities, inconsistency, and even the pain of betrayal. 

As a person who has served as a “healer” for others, I didn’t know how to come to terms with the need for healing for myself. 

I could recall the countless times I lent a listening ear to those who needed someone to talk to and let out what was on their mind. Sometimes, I offered advice to extend emotional support, hoping it would help even if only for that moment. 

Deep down, I desired deliverance from the things I didn’t know how to unpack with others I knew were holding me back, especially because I needed internal peace to show up fully for my aspirations. I felt God calling me to draw closer to our divine connection and ask for guidance on how to do this, so I can do more than simply start a new chapter. 

Going in a completely new direction and acknowledging the inner work that had to be done became an inflexible requirement.

Truth be told, I keep a brave face, but I have experienced a lot that I thought I initially couldn’t handle until I made it on the other side. I’ve dealt with spiritual and emotional warfare that was meant to trigger me into an eternal downward spiral. 

Random situations within and outside of my control drove me to question everything…My spirit, at its core, craves community, connection, and being a vessel that can support others in whatever way possible, and for a while, those aspects of my life were under attack. Even as I typed this, I could vividly recall situations I don’t think I ever gave myself the space to grieve and create a new positive perspective to gain from it.

Overall, I was coming to terms with the parts of my life that I thought weren’t affecting my mental health that were, and even more than I realized. 

I never really liked wallowing in my sorrows or being the “woe is me” type, so I found comfort in channeling these feelings into my written and visual art. When I stepped away from working on Trust the Transformation during my long and sporadic breaks, I could see myself slipping into that negative headspace, and I didn’t know how to break out of it, in all honesty. 

I got used to playing in the background and not putting out my work because I felt like an impostor. How could I encourage others to become their best selves when I’m not doing all I can to achieve that for myself? 

A breakthrough revelation I credit to helping me get back on track to working on my craft was recognizing how special I am, without getting a big head. It sunk in that I was requested to share my story alongside all I have to offer to help better humanity and the world. With the utmost gratitude, CanvasRebel invited me back to their platform for a second time to dig deeper into my professional and personal endeavors, so check it out here!

After being presented with that opportunity, I could see how my thoughts, ways, and attitude weren’t serving me because I was forcing myself to be a shell of who I used to be. Days flying by drove me to slack on deadlines and drag my feet with submissions because my mind was clouded with junk. 

My lack of tactfulness caused a photoshoot and interview I completed in early September to be pushed back and published in December, which was nobody’s fault but my own. Instead of getting my act together and stepping up to the plate, I let those same self-sabotaging behaviors take precedence over showing up.

Other happenings in my life besides that soon after were the official wake-up call to shift gears, and the art I was drawn to create at the time was a reflection of my headspace. 

As more responsibilities were being asked of me, I knew I had to take a different approach to embody the woman I say I am striving to be. I had to learn to break down monumental goals into daily action steps that I could work on without feeling overburdened. I had to leave people-pleasing behaviors behind and learn to say no or not now without guilt. I had to start listening to myself and trusting what I felt guided to do. A dream will remain a figment of your imagination if you don’t put yourself in the space to make it a reality.

Nobody else is to blame when you choose not to show up for yourself. Building and actualizing any dream takes effort, dedication, discipline, and last but certainly not least, belief. 

The belief that you are worthy and deserving. The belief that no matter what happens on your journey, seeing it through is non-negotiable because you have chosen this path. 

It isn’t always easy, but remember that you only need to take it one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. Allow yourself to try, fail, succeed, grow, and learn by at least taking the chance to see what works.

Shifting lanes is practically inevitable when you’re on the way to where you want to go, but that doesn’t mean you won’t end up exactly where you’re meant to be.