“What do I know?”
Now working from home, I aim to utilize my time more efficiently, due to the ability it grants me of getting high-priority things done. One morning about a month or two ago, I woke up early to do some tasks around the house, and a flood of thoughts came to my mind. While my mind has always worked a mile a minute, this felt extremely random. A lot had been weighing on my spirit, but I still managed to push through it all and focus on what I needed to accomplish. The main thought that came to me that I can only attest to being a spiritual download directly from Source was, “Forgive yourself. You didn’t know and if you did know better, you would have done better.” I sat on my bedroom floor and shed some tears, got my phone, and instantly started writing in the Notes app everything that came to mind.
Many people think, including myself at times, that the phrase “You should know better” equals “I was taught to know better”. Everything isn’t common sense, and sometimes what is recognized as “universal knowledge” may have to be learned. A large part of my isolation these days is my acknowledgment of the lessons I have not learned and making sure that I take the necessary steps to course-correct them. I used to be a “finger wagger” until I realized that everyone has their lessons to learn, especially ME. People can only make decisions using what has been taught to them, the knowledge they gained on their own, and their life experiences up to that point. Judging them and finding fault in their “why” doesn’t change the scenario or provide real solutions for moving forward in a healthy space. Allow people to fall and give them grace, even when they do you wrong. At some point, you may need that same grace, and the lesson will be learned, whether you’re there to witness it or not.
As I am getting older, I self-reflect, and even when listening to other people’s life experiences, I realized that there was a lot I had to learn on my own.
I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know about myself. How much I didn’t choose myself. For many years, I placed my value on everything that contributes to my uniqueness but also leaned on these characteristics to impress others and manage the pressures I felt in appearing perfect. I grew up believing that I had to be everything for everyone, and once I wasn’t being that, I wasn’t doing the “right thing”. I had to start prioritizing what made me feel good, from a genuine place. Not what made me look or sound good, but satisfied my soul.
Sometimes, I overlooked what was comfortable for me, just because I was too lazy to change. I didn’t know what I was committed to becoming. I wasn’t aware of all that was required explicitly. My thoughts of the person I wanted to be were broken into different puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit, but it was the first time I noticed it. I could ring off the qualities I sought to align with but would do actions that contradict that.
Doing the inner work about what I had to change for my elevation has been freeing. I explored my subconscious mind. The thoughts I had “forgotten”, the ones I shoved down and pretended did not exist bubbled to the top of my mind. The ones that were influencing my behavior and needed to be acknowledged. I am a young woman aware of the foolish decisions I have made and the hurts that I have had to heal from. I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings. I understand that there were deep-rooted issues within me that had to be dug up and analyzed that I am still working on overcoming. From where I stand currently, I have wholly accepted that I am a work in progress, continually evolving as every day goes by. And every day that I choose to do actions that go hand in hand with my purpose, I am an active co-creator of my reality.
I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences. Anything that takes place in my life is what is destined to happen. God doesn’t make mistakes. I learned that it is my responses that dictate how my experiences influence my well-being, whether that be “good” or “bad”. Accountability has taught me that it is our perception of reality that controls how we feel. Making the conscious choice to do better now that I know better is what made everything click for me. I am a pursuer of knowledge that integrates what I learn into my life to improve. It was in examining the depths of my soul that I found what I needed to do to move forward daily without making excuses, and how I can go after what I feel is missing from my life. But that takes a continuous cycle of unlearning and learning. Releasing and receiving, recognizing what I am meant to hold onto, and let go of.
It has now become a part of my daily routine to wake up every day and thank God for life. I thank God for growth, second chances, and the opportunity to learn from everything that this world has to offer, starting with my valuable life. This was one small addition to my day that now feels monumental, and I didn’t know it would have the major impact it has had on me. It feels great to see how far I’ve come, and it all began with a willingness to be wrong about ANY and EVERYTHING. Detaching myself from the pressure of having it all together has allowed God to work miracles in my life, and show me that I’m covered, simply because I am his.
I go out into the world now and live in the moment because I’ve overcome so much to get to this position. I’ve learned to take on the mindset of an explorer and truly appreciate the journey. I’ve learned that it’s much better, in the long run, to commit to living in my joy. There are moments when I’m frustrated or feel nervous or unsettled, but I don’t stay in those feelings. Being able to process my emotions and continue on with my day has given me a sense of strength I have never known. My energy now influences what is around me, not the other way around.
You’ll never completely know how by simply being a beacon of light, the level of impact you can have on your environment. You’ll never know too much to the point where you can’t learn more.
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