Take It From the Top

“Who can I save? If not myself?”

From the beginning, I made it clear that in writing this blog, I want to be completely transparent about my journey.

Literally life as I take in every second I am granted on this Earth, as I follow the path set out before me. This chapter I am currently writing, as difficult as it is to explain, I have to do my best and try to do so. I feel like I have hit a roadblock. Not that anything is directly preventing me from making any moves, but I feel halted. When I get this sudden rush of productive energy, I become unstoppable. But shortly after, I question my work. I doubt that it is good enough. I doubt I am good enough.

Growing up, different life circumstances and situations have shaped me to feel the need to prove my worth. I felt the need to prove how special and unique I was, and that would somehow validate my existence. I always had the pressure of being the do-it-all and it gets tiring. It became hard to ignore the thoughts that wore on my mind. I had to choose me above all else.

When I started to use my passions in connection to my purpose, I have taken notice of something. I feel my emotions deeper than ever before. When using my creative outlets to express these emotions, I want to create from an authentic place. After my birthday, I was in production overload. I felt like I was on top of the world, but honestly speaking the foundation I had started building upon was made of sand. It crumbled and I was not certain why.

I tried to enter a new chapter revisiting the same old patterns that kept me stuck. My actions that I knew did not produce favorable results that I still chose. That is until I sought out the ‘why’ behind these actions. What made me feel like this had to be done? What was I seeking to gain from it? Did I gain anything from it? My quest for the answers included solitude, reading, journaling, meditation, resting, listening to personal development podcasts and videos, and praying. A lesson I gained in the midst of this was comprehension of staying true to self. Understanding myself to the core and showing up as that individual always. Digging deep to those parts of myself that I tried to run away from. Owning and accepting those parts and using them in my favor. Taking myself back to my younger years and remembering why I was so expressive then.

I was sharing but from a space that was not completely genuine. It was from a place of being politically correct. Not trying to step on anyone’s toes and saying what will feel good. I can admit that my opinions on certain topics can be abstract and perspective bending. Being in the trenches regarding my own healing, I know it is not all sunshine and roses. There are highs and lows, wins and losses. Dropping the mask and actually speaking on some of my different struggles because I never know who it will relate to.

I made the decision to take a break from personal use of social media, particularly Instagram. Seeing all aspects (positive and negative) of it, I wanted to figure out how to navigate these spaces (I also have others that I use sometimes) without sacrificing my peace. I have no desire to fall victim to the need to show my life a certain way, engage in peer pressure, or prove something. Right now, I am in a period of reset. Unlearning, learning and adapting. Lessening my exposure to subconscious programming that slowly seeps into our minds and distorts our self concept. I really want to produce from a genuine place, nothing rehearsed. It is difficult to deal with because I currently work in the field of social media, but I manage.

Getting clarity of my roots will only enrich my fruits. This is bigger than just producing content, whether it is blog posts, videos, artwork, photography or whatever it may be. This is bigger than me. As a vessel being used by the Creator, I have to come correct or not come at all.

“Let’s take it from the top…”